Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Congressman Posey - Where Are You?

Well, it appears my local Congressman must be attending a Tea Party picnic. I can't get in touch with him and tell him how outraged I am that he and so many of his fellow Republicans seem so unwilling to compromise. Refusing to vote to raise the debt ceiling without insisting on the adoption of a Balanced Budget Amendment is simply irresponsible in my opinion - and thank God I am still entitled to that.

At the urging of President Obama, I sat down today to write Congressman Posey an email and was surprised to find that his Congressional website (apparently along with many, many others) has been shut down due to a massive overload of emails from constituents.

Well, it appears that while members of Congress may not be listening to the public, the public is indeed listening to the president and they attempted to have their voices heard today in Washington.

I guess we will all tune in for the next exciting episode of this soap opera.

Computer Nerd Storms Out of Restaurant

My latest adventure with my cell phone jammer is the best so far.

Mary and I flew to Tampa last week and after landing decided to go to the XYX Pizza Grill for a nice salad.

We were sitting at the counter of this upscale restaurant and after a few minutes we were joined at the counter by the classic computer nerd. This guy comes in and sits at the counter and begins to show the waiter a coupon he has saved on his Ipad. He is proud of the fact that he has captured the coupon and begins to show it to anyone who will stop and talk to him. Most don't. The waiter says he has never seen it before and calls over the manager.

In the meantime, I reach into my pocket and bring out the jammer and put it on the counter and turn it on.... Now, I happen to notice this guy not only has an Ipad, but I also notice he has his Iphone is sitting on the counter over to his left. Then I suddenly notice that sitting directly beneath his forearms is one of those ultra thin Apple Mac portable.... three f&%&$ devices! No wonder this guy doesn't have a date! There would be no room for someone to join him.

In the meantime, he orders a beer as well as dinner but now he appears to be having all kinds of problems trying to refresh his memory or update the screens, not just on his ipad, but his iphone and Mac computer.

He is now terribly frustrated, even more so since he has no wifi signal whatsoever and the signal bars have dropped to zero.... he is really getting upset and agitated and asks the waiter if they are have trouble with their wifi, and the waiter says no not that he knows about, but maybe it was the hurricane out near Mexico that knocked some towers down, etc., etc.

I have now realized not only could I write a book about cell phone jamming, but also the excuses given by wait staff personnel when they attempt to explain the sudden loss of signals.

This guy goes outside restaurant into the mall and he gets a signal, but apparently loses it again as soon as he approaches the counter where he was sitting. He then announces that he can't eat here if he can't get wifi (can you believe that???) so he angrily asks the waiter for his check and to cancel his order for dinner.....

Oh damn, Mary and I have to be careful who we share our sheer joy and excitement about my new toy. In hindsight, I now wish I had gotten the slightly more powerful unit which I now understand I could have purchased for $40 less than I paid for this little device. Although mine works great within 10-12 feet, it is not effective beyond that.... it's still fun mind you, but I would love to be able to knock out entire city blocks!!!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Cell Phone Jamming A Blast!

A couple of months ago I wrote a column in Quick Printing magazine (http://bit.ly/pFMrxt) basically taking to task the poor manners and boorish behavior of folks who use cell phones in restaurants. I find it especially offensive when folks seem to take some delight in sharing their private conversations with others by talking a bit louder than necessary. You know the type!

Well, I am getting the last laugh these days. I purchased a cell-phone jammer. The bad news is it cost me about $159. The good news.... no make that the outstanding news, is that I haven't had this much fun since I got my first chemistry set set more than 55 years ago and started impressing folks with all types of chemistry "magic."

Supposedly, cell-phone jammers are illegal to use in the U.S. except in rare occasions and I am sure than my situations do not qualify under these "special exemptions." Nonetheless, I figure the FTC, FCC and DOJ have better things to do with their limited resources than to come after me and impose their $10,000 fines for blocking cell phone signals.

Let me make it clear for these alphabet soup agencies and departments.... I've blocked cell phone signals, and will continue to do so because it is so much damn fun!

It is almost too difficult to convey how much fun it can me. Now mind you, I am a selective cell phone jammer. I am not going to block cell phone calls casually. If a woman is going into contractions and her husband has to use his cell phone to dial 911 I won't activate my little device.

On the other hand, if this husband is sitting next to me at a bar or restaurant and begins to carry on a lengthy and loud conversation with his sister-in-law about the latest measurements of his wife's cervix and when they might be going to the hospital I am going to call a halt to this disgusting and obnoxious phone call ASAP!

I just flick the switch and on comes the green light. Interestingly enough, and beyond my comprehension, is that the device seems to warm up as to its signal strength. It is more than just an "on" or "off" situation.

Once turned on, I can check my own cell phone and slowly see the reception or strength bars suddenly start to drop off... one, then two, then three, and suddenly no bars whatsoever.... followed quickly with a message on my cell phone "searching."

The same thing happens with the signal indicator for Wi-Fi strength.... they start to drop off one at a time until once again nothing!!!

The other day Mary and stopped at our favorite bar on the beach. I had to test my jammer, and I didn't have to wait too long until an obnoxious guy with a big mouth started trying to impress the folks around him. While he was talking, he started to dial a number on his Iphone.

I told Mary, "Watch this," as I flicked the switch to the "on" position. The device, which looks almost identical to a small cell phone itself, sat next to my drink. I don't have to point the device in any specific direction, but I get a special sense of power when I do so I just sort of swiveled it around and pointed it his direction.

First thing I notice is he is giving a strange look at the face of of his Iphone. The next thing he does is hold it up closer to his ear and speaks into it.... nothing is happening, at least not at his end, and I start grinning.

He apparently has a short fuse, and now stands up at his bar seat and sort of starts shaking his cell phone as if it to punish it or as if it is going to reignite the signal.... it doesn't. I start thinking whether there is a "shaken cell phone" syndrome that I should report.


Finally, while still standing, he holds his Iphone up towards the ceiling at arms length (this guy is tall, probably 6-3) as if somehow trying to improve his signal strength. Of course, even if this worked, I don't know how he could carry on a conversation with the phone that far away from his ear.

I look down at my own phone just to check.... zero bars, zero Wi-Fi.... the only problem is trying to restrain my modest grin and trying to keep it from growing into a full-blown laugh!

The guy is beside himself... he finally stormed out of the bar and went out to the deck near the beach where he was finally able to regain a signal. Of course, that's where he should have gone to begin with rather than staying at the bar.

I can't wait to visit this expensive, high-end restaurant in Tampa where my story about obnoxious cell phone users had its origins.

I keep thinking of even funnier things to do..... let someone initiate a phone call, then jam it and cause him to lose a signal. Then turn it off and see his eyes light up as he regains the signal, but as soon as he gets the first 3-4 words out then turn the jammer back on.... done enough times, I think even a sane person would start considering thoughts of mayhem or suicide, which would be fine for me if that's his final decision.

I am slowly accumulating a entire chapter worth of little stories like this. Some folks probably think I am crazy or at least a bit insane but of course that's nothing new and I take it as a compliment.

You should hear about the woman who got a private call at another restaurant on Saturday.... Ok, I don't have time to tell that story, at least not now.

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Judge Affirms Stewart's Valuation

Well, I just heard from a client on whose behalf I appeared as an expert witness. The divorce trial was nasty and expensive for both sides. With five expert witnesses, three attorneys and a handful of real estate appraisers, accountants and other witnesses, I have not yet completed my estimate of the total costs involved.

Nonetheless, and after three weeks awaiting the judge's decisionn, the judge finally ruled:

"As to XXX printing, I found Mr. Stewart's testimony to be most compelling regarding the value of the business."

My valuation and subsequent testimony in court placed the value of the business at $575,250. The judge, after hearing two other witnesses who had valued the business at anywhere between $700,000 and $900,000, placed the value of the business at $600,000.

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